History for Idiots: Introduction

Can we really blame Chimpanzees for AIDs?

I'm not here to contest World Origins. No matter if we came from Adam and Eve, Super intelligent monkeys, or mutated Mammoths, it hardly matters when it comes to the nature of this book.

What is known and not contested is that we were unlike our fellow beasts. I mean, we mastered the art of the cooked food! Imagine life without McDonalds down the street! Oh, I shudder to think of life without the McGriddle or the Milkshake! But I digress.

We didn't have teeth the size of an average midgets arm, but we could spear your ass with nothing but a stone and some muscle! We learned, and we learned quickly, how to write, how to draw, and other abstract shit that the internet has since replaced. We leaned from distinct sounds that meant "run", "food", or "kill" to mak elaborate phrases such as "Whoever smelt it dealt it" and "What the hell you doin' in bed with my wife, Bill?"

Another thing: We spread like wild fire in the dry season. We came from bumfuckville, Africa, to Europe and Asia, North America and South America, Australia, and even the especially stupid ones went to Antartica. We were spreading like a virus. A virus armed to the teeth with wooden tools and weapons. Not even the sub zero degrees of the Ice Age could stop us!

Thats all the proof I need to Ice World Wildlife Federation.

We were the first things on earth to believe in a greater power. We believed in spirit worlds and gods long before we had written history. 'Course, it probably involved sacrifice through suicide and mandatory tattos using hot rock and blood, but yeah, we had religion early on.

But whatever you want to call the beginning of man, thse facts remain solid. Well, unless your a Native American and beleive the world was made on a turtles back and we just walked straight onto it.

But the dawn of civilization was to come. And I get the chance to tell you all about it while making snide remarks and sarcastic comments. So, lets get to it.